Change of Seasons

The change of seasons are yet just another reminder that Jason is dead and gone. Summer is in full swing here. It means the roses are growing, our patio is ready to be set up and de-winterized and the sun shade needs to go up. Ugh. The shade was Jason’s thing. And he was good at it. I loved the days where we’d get everything ready for summer. We’d spend the weekend together doing yard work or house chores. It was always enjoyable. It is hard work to get the sunshade up. I did 75% of it last spring and I was struggling so hard I needed Jason’s help. He was in so much pain. His shoulder was hurting. I felt so bad asking him for help. He pushed through the pain to help me get the last hook in place. I didn’t have enough carabiners and he knew exactly his strategy to get it up. We didn’t know it at the time, but he was in so much pain because there were lesions on his bones. Cancer. Truly, fuck cancer. We actually thought the shoulder pain was from the shower remodel, none of his scans until late June showed any lesions. He was hurting though. So I did the shade mostly myself. I hung the second one with the help of my dad late in the summer. It was heart breaking in a lot of ways, Jason would say how sad it made him feel he couldn’t participate. He didn’t like not being able to be the man of the house. I didn’t see it that way, but he did.

I pulled it the shade out of the closet today. I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. Worried I wouldn’t be able to finish it without someone’s help. But I’m determined. I figured worse case I get three of the four connections up and find someone to help me another day. I was smarter last year when taking it down, taking note of exactly how it was set up, exactly how Jason did it. As I pulled the fourth connection with all my might and was able to loop it. I whispered “Jason you’d be so proud.” And then I cried. Sobbed. He should be here. It shouldn’t be like this. He should be here helping me, living life, enjoying summer like all these other people get to. Why not us? Just why? Why is this my life and why did this happen. Why does everyone else get to keep living and not think twice about setting up their patio for summer. It is a normal activity for some, for me, it is the first summer for the rest of the summers of my life that I am starting without Jason. And it’s wrong. It is so wrong. People get caught up in remembering to check in on the “big” days, the holidays, the first Christmas, whatever else. But the every day firsts, honestly, break me just as much or even more. It’s the days when the rest of the world just keeps living such normality. Normality that they take for granted. That I probably used to take for granted. That even in summer of 2024, when Jason had cancer, I took for granted. Because we were supposed to make it through to the other side. Chemo was supposed to cure him. How did we get here? Why is this my life? The every day normals without Jason suck. Actually it all just fucking sucks. Even when I’m smiling, even when I’m proud of myself, even when I keep going. It all fucking sucks because Jason is still dead. I’m here living the hell I never wanted. Finding strength and pride in myself for the ways I keep going. Strength and pride I wish I didn’t have to find. I’d settle for average strength and average pride if it meant my husband could hang the damn shade in our patio, and we sit back and enjoy a drink together like so many others get to do, blind to how damn hard life can be.