Four Christmases

December 21, 2025

18 weeks. Christmas is in 4 days. I’ve been in full avoidance mode. Up until yesterday I’ve done a fairly good job at avoiding Christmas all together. A trip to Hawaii mid December put my mind in a tropical warm place where it felt like summer, which made forgetting it was December easy. I’ve been avoidant of thinking about it. There’s been no listening to holiday radio, no Christmas songs played on my Spotify. No holidays coffees. Very little shopping, present buying.

Yesterday wrecked me. I went out to try to run a few errands, the hustle and bustle of the holiday season overwhelmed me. The music in the stores. The cheer, the joy, it’s everywhere, I’ve never realized how in your face it all is, but now I’m walking around feeling numb to my core. I spent the morning trying to get a gift together for our godson and nephew, only to get to the post office, lose the paper with the address on it, have an absolute breakdown, and miss the open hours for shipping it out before next week. It’s small, it’s stupid, and in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t matter. But it shattered me and I lost it. Because that’s what grief is. It’s not about the package, it’s that that small moment was enough to tip me over the edge with everything else I am holding and completely derail me, broke me. I found myself sitting in the parking lot hitting the steering wheel of my car, sobbing, asking God why he did this to me. Screaming, angry, hysterical. Crying out, I want Jason. Because all I ever want is Jason. I long for the days of this season not knowing what heavy grief is. I never realized how truly blessed the quiet, healthy, complete family, Christmas Day was, until now, when that is not what I will get.

So today I spent the morning pulling together old Christmas moments on my phone to put together this video of memories that I long for. I bought myself a Starbucks on Jason’s account, simply just to see his name on the cup. We treated ourselves to Starbucks a lot, especially when he was going through treatment. Something I don’t do much anymore. His go to order was a white peppermint mocha, with an extra shot of espresso. He wouldn’t just order this at Christmas, but year round, which is so funny to me, but that man sure did love sweets. It’s my first peppermint mocha of the season. I turned on “sad holiday” playlist on Spotify and drove to the cemetery. I sit here and write this. I’m not always good at talking out loud here, but I figure if heaven is real, Jason knows what’s on my mind, on this page and not everything needs to be spoken. I stare out over the front range, at the stunning snow capped mountains, they look this way for the first time since Jason was buried here. I picked out a little Christmas arrangement with wooden skis to bring to his grave, the perfect ode to my love and one of our favorite hobbies, the one we fell in loving doing together. I tell him how it’s been dry and hasn’t snowed much yet this season. The ski resorts have basically nothing. I laugh, and I say I hope that because you’re hogging all the snow in heaven. I tell him that nothing is the same without him here. No matter how much I don’t want it to be Christmas, the day will come anyways, just like they all have and will continue to do. Because that the cruel way this works. Time doesn’t stop, even though he’s gone. I tell him we will be in Tucson for Christmas with Megan, since she works Christmas Eve and day. That Nora made the drive down there with my parents yesterday, and our poor baby still hates the car, even with the medicine the vet gave her. That being home without Nora for only a few days is incredibly lonely, and I’m so thankful he gave me her. She is truly my angel. She looks for him still. Mostly when I come home in the car and have left her at home alone. She runs to me, but still checks around the garage door, thinking maybe, just maybe, there’s someone else with me. I tell him that me and her try to be ok, but it’s not easy, and we wish he was here. She licks my tears often, just like he promised she always would. Just when he promised that, he also he said he’d be here to hold me tight too, and I wish we both had control over these circumstances to make that so. I tell him it’s a beautiful sunny day, that if he was here and healthy him and Nora would absolutely have gone out running. That there are so many things we should be doing and how different I wish life looked. This was the year we planned to grow our family, smile on Christmas Day with either a new baby or a baby on the way. I tell him how badly I wish that was our life was what we dreamed and how missed he is. All of the hopes and dreams only live in memory and the sting even harder as we approach Christmas and the end of the year.

I tell him about my favorite memories of ours from the four Christmases we had together.

2021: Jason was living with his ‘Aunt’ Nancy and her family, in Arvada. He had no plans to go back to Indiana. On Dec 21st they happily included me in their annual cooking decorating evening. I was planning to head to my parents, but stopped by for some time before going to Boulder. We didn’t do any gifts that year, but I think I wrote him a card, which I wish I could now find among all his things. It was so important to Jason that Nancy liked me. He admired Nancy and deeply valued what she thought and her opinion. What her whole family thought, really. That’s when I met her son’s little Drake and Ryan. Both welcomed me with open arms, her husband big Drake, too. They were the only family Jason had close. I remember after I had left that evening Jason texting me and saying “they really liked you!”. It mattered to me, of course, that they approved, but it mattered to Jason more. We’d been dating for just over a month. He first met my parents for the first time on Christmas Eve, which is awfully bold and courageous of him. He came to their house after we finished our Christmas Eve dinner and presents. He brought a bottle of wine for my mom. Megan was complaining because it was well after her bedtime. He was coming over to pick me up because he wanted to take me to midnight mass at the Catholic Church. I reflect on that now, he wasn’t involved in any church when we met, but was excited to show me a part of what Christmas tradition looked like for him, something positive he remembered from his childhood. We sat in the back of a church we’d both never been to before, but he smiled anyways, you could tell he felt at home. He put his arm around me as we sat and sang carols in the back of the pew. A few days later, my parents hosted a massive Christmas party at their home, with all their friends. Jason came, he was there the whole time, from start to finish. He entertained and said hello to every overbearing, nosey church friend. He did it with grace. It was the first time he met my friend Marie, they clicked right away. In late 2024, she and her husband KJ will ask us to be Godparents to their baby Jalen. An honor we were overjoyed with.

2022: We spent this Christmas in Tucson with my family. A lot happened, we had travel nightmares to get there, almost not making it there, after 5+ hours of delays and canceled flights. Jason calmed me, as I got fired up and irritated with our delays as we sat on the runway in the plane for over 4 hours. He was texting my mom separately keeping her updated, she asked ”is she still an angel?”, he replied “She is. I love her”.  Other than the memories of our terrible travel experiences, I have two favorite memories of this Christmas. 1. That my mom had gotten all new stockings for our family, and surprised me and Jason by also buying a new matching stocking for Jason and for Nora. I can’t even express what that meant to me, and to Jason. We were not engaged yet, but it was a sign that she knew. She loved Jason (and Nora) like a son. 2. I also remember Jason’s excitement around giving, which seems to be a common theme in my memories. We were delayed in our gift buying that year, but before we traveled we did some serious shopping. He was ecstatic to buy gifts for all my family. We wrapped them all up in Colorado and brought a big suitcase down filled with gifts. I remember Jason kept texting photos of all the gifts and saying “Santa’s coming!”. We also did a small late Christmas with Jason’s parents that year as well (early January 2023). We met up in Beaver Creek and got some extended ski time. In the time I knew Jason, this trip is the only trip Jason’s parents would make to Colorado before he was diagnosed with Cancer, and only one of two trips of theirs where he wasn’t in the hospital, other than our wedding. It is one of the few positive memories I have that include them. To the surprise of both of us, the time spent was smooth, and full of good memories. Jason’s mom took me to a spa day at the Westin, while him and his dad had a “boys” sky day. Jason and I were able to ski on a Tuesday, together and alone, at Vail. Where we’d stop for hot dogs and ski many runs as the resort was empty and it was post holiday time. We skied Hairbag Alley together that trip, and I may have just convinced him to become a “Vail Guy”, that day. This is also when he would buy his beloved Roxa ski boots off Facebook marketplace for an absolute killer deal. We made a “pit stop” in Breckenridge to get them before arriving to beaver creek for the long weekend. Me on the other hand, I was skiing on brand new boots, a size smaller (necessarily so) than my other boots. It was a rough few days breaking them in, I spent many hours in Cristy Sports at the Beaver Creek Base, where Jason would slip the guy some cash, to take extra good care of me while molding my linings. I didn’t know that at the time, and was raving to Jason about how great of service I had gotten. We’d bring the guy a 6 pack of Coors before we’d head home. Jason knew exactly how to take care of and appreciate people like that, and it was one of his best qualities.

2023: This was our first and only Christmas engaged. It felt like all the stars were aligning. We were excited, giddy. We were about to spend the rest of our lives together. This year we’d spend Christmas in Colorado, at home. No big plans, simple. Honestly it was really nice to not travel. With a big year ahead we made it clear we were not traveling this Christmas. Jason was introduced to a Tatusko/ Morgus tradition of pierogi making, and the Christmas Eve traditional dinner, which is Pierogi and Christmas Soup, which is basically a base a sauerkraut and beans, with roasted potatoes on top. Jason was a slightly picky eater, he didn’t love the Christmas soup, but if you ask all my Morgus cousins, most of them don’t either. We’d bribe each other with Money to finish it as kids. Jason did however enjoy the roasted potatoes and all the butter on the potato pierogi, ha! If you know Jason, this checks out. That year, my mom would add items to the menu from Jason’s traditions. Which included Cornish game hens. His mom would make them each their own on Christmas Eve, as I understand it. The look on his face when my mom brought them out for him that evening was priceless. He felt so loved and so happy. That year we tried to establish our “own” traditions. We, for the first time, hosted Christmas Day dinner at our little home. Though it was just us and my parents, we wanted to start traditions at our own home, dreaming of the days we’d have a family here and all that life could bring. We’d set the table with my grandmas simple china. We’d take our first attempt at making sausage bread together. A family recipe from Jason’s mom’s family (the Lowe’s), that’s one of Jason’s all time favorites. Shopping for the ingredients here in Colorado was a little different than in the Midwest (lol, go figure), but I did the best I could to find all the right things. We had too much dough, because I stuffed ours full, they were bursting at the seams. I guess personal preference on dough to filling ratio. This Christmas was full of heath and love, something that when you don’t know any different, doesn’t feel like such a luxury. But writing this now, God what a luxury those things are. What I would give to have had 50 more years of those christmases.

2024: Our last Christmas together. Unbeknown to us at the time. I wrote a whole post at the beginning of December about our last Christmas, and all the hope and joy of just a year ago. Oh how different everything is, only 365 days later. I don’t have the hear today to reflect much more on this time last year again in this exact moment. But my reflections on that season, earlier this month, were beautiful, and heartbreaking. For me, the biggest take away from last year, the biggest blessings and my favorite memories: Jason’s joy, Jason’s heart, Jason’s generosity. His ability to love big, despite feeling like crap, and all we had walked and all the bad news that had been tossed our way in 2024. That joy, that love, that “we are going to tackle anything and everything” energy was contagious. I’m missing it immensely this holiday season. The truth is, I’m sacred, I’m hurt, I’m numb. My hope is dimmed. I’m angry and lost. Someone wrote to a recent video of mine, “I’m so sorry Lauren. I hope you can feel Christ’s love this season”. I laughed. I haven’t felt Christ’s love in most of 2025, and to be frank, I don’t feel I am going to find it this season. Maybe one day, maybe one season. But not this year. I am so many things, and joyful is not on that list. Most of all, I miss Jason. But I will try, even just a little bit, to find that light deep inside me, the one that I know exists. That exists because of Jason. He lit a fire in me, one I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life, because of him. I hope over the next four days as we approach Christmas, and days leading into the new year, I can find even a glimpse of that fire, because I know he would find it for me, if only he were here.