Jason’s Birthday
October 11th. 12:01am.
The clock struck midnight and I was awake.
Your birthday.
My mind raced as it typically does for quite a while. You’re not here today, as you have not been for the last 55 days. I ache for you. I truly to cuddle close to Nora, something to make me feel companionship. But it’s of course not you, after all she is only a dog. Even if she is the best one. What I would give to turn over to you and wish you happy birthday, to kiss your lips, and look into those beautiful eyes.
The loss is so grand.
Life without you so hard.
I can’t celebrate.
I think people who feel the ability to celebrate today don’t carry the grief that I know. They simply can’t.
You are worth honoring.
Celebrating and honoring are not the same.
I reread all your notes to me and about me this morning.
Hold me close, be there by my side today. I need you.
7:35 pm.
Today was hard. Draining.
The day comes to a close and I’m proud of myself for making it through.
Nothing I want more than to kiss you goodnight and say happy birthday my love. It’s all I want. But my proud of myself for holding strong, protecting myself from your parents and their toxic behavior, on all days of course today. But most of all for still being here, day in and day out without you.
I hate that I have to be strong. Brave. Things I don’t want to be.
I’d give anything to kiss you again and say goodnight my handsome husband, happy birthday.
I did my very best honor my sweet love. I fricken miss that man. And sitting by him during those games. Not just on his birthday. But damn every day. But I think all things considered did the best I could. A good tailgate, a shot ski of Stranahans whiskey, surrounded by family and friends, just the way I think Jason would want to spend his birthday. And a buffs win.
He would’ve chose this type of day for many birthdays to come. And ya know, the thing is he would’ve chose it because it was our thing, something he fell in love with doing with me and my family. He wouldn’t have needed a “showy” celebration, he’d just want a good day with me. All anyone can really ever want honestly. He would’ve for sure called it a good day. Oh and Lisa made all his favorite cookies. Of course she did, because she loved him like her own son.
