Love Doesn't Have Strings

Something that I reflect on quite often is how often Jason would say “I want to repay you for all you’ve done” to both me and to my mom.

I always knew that the feeling of requiring repayment, came from the way his family functioned his entire life. Nothing in that family was done without strings attached. That’s what love was in their eyes. It wasn’t selfless. They never did anything without expecting something in return. It was always if I give to you, I except something back from you. I remember the day his parents gave us some money, which was actually for our wedding, but spun as them helping Jason in his cancer journey. It was June of 2024. It was the first time they showed up to visit following his diagnosis in February of 2024. The way his dad slid an envelope across our patio table, and then quickly pulled it back and said, “but first, us giving this to you, this is what we need from you as parents…We need more information because we are embarrassed as your parents that we can’t tell our friends about your cancer, because we don’t know.”

Toxic as fuck.

I remember thinking I don’t want anything from them. This not healthy or right. Surely this is not given with good intention. And it wasn’t, because less than a year later, that same money would be used as an arguing point from them, when Jason finally called them out on being bad, absent parents.

I digress though. Because this writing wasn’t supposed to be about that. But maybe that small tidbit helps emphasize the point. Love doesn’t have strings.

I would always tell Jason what I was doing for him was never about repayment or anything of that nature. It never crossed my mind to act any differently. He was my husband, the love of my life. My partner. The person I planned on doing life with, showing up with and for. In everything. Including the bad.

I showed up for him because I loved him, I just wanted him to get better and I just wanted him to be here with me.

That’s all I wanted.

Any time he would say I owe you for all you’ve done for me, I would say, Jason, you owe me nothing. I just want you to get better so we can live this life together.

I didn’t even get that, by no fault of Jason’s, of course. But I still showed up for him.

I think about how many times he would just say “I just want to be the one taking care of you. I hate that you’re always taking care of me.”

Those words makes me sad. Actually they break my heart, because I hate that he felt weak and helpless. I hate that he felt like he wasn’t upholding his end of a deal. None of this was his fault.

He didn’t want help for the longest time. He would resist help, and would only accept it when he absolutely needed it. He was adamant about doing things even when I was trying to be kind and help him. I know that upset him, sometimes when I would try to step in to take the load off of him. It was not intentional by me, I was trying to help where I could. But I know he felt that he was losing control of his own life.

It breaks my heart because deep down I wanted him to be taking care of me too.

The tides to be turned in a way we were taking care of each other, a healthy good relationship, no cancer.

I just wanted to go back to the way things were, before cancer.

I think back to January of 2023, when I went down in a sled on the mountain. The way he took care of me, the way he was so concerned about me, the way that he called my parents to tell them what was going on. The way he stood by my side to make sure that I was OK.

I did that for him, tenfold, for 18 months of cancer, and I would’ve done it all over again. I never expected him to repay me.

That is what you do for the people you love. No strings, no expectations of anything in return.

I just wish we had gotten the chance for him to take care of me in other aspects of life. Because I just wish he had made it through.