Traveling with Grief

December 6, To Jason:

Traveling without you stings. I really want you here with me. It’s just so weird. I feel like I’ve taken a step back in time, to before I met you. Traveling alone or with my parents. It’s weird. I hate it. I signed up to have you for life. Why didn’t I get that. Why did cancer take everything from you. My heart aches for you daily, in everything you’re missing. It’s so fucking unfair. I aches for me too. Everything I’m missing with you. Everything we’re missing together. This shouldn’t be anyone’s story. It’s so cruel. It should not be this way. We should’ve been starting our lives together. It makes me so angry. Why would the world give me you only to take you away so quickly? I can’t understand. Why show me the best thing to ever exist in my world only to take it. It’s beyond comprehension. I’m so angry. I want you here. I fucking want you!!!! I want OUR life. The life we planned. I want my life back. People say you have to keep living. People that say that don’t have a fucking clue. I’m living, I’m breathing. But what life am I living? This isn’t what I want. No. I don’t want to do this without you. I get anxiety about leaving Nora now that you’re gone. This isn’t living. I want you here with me, I want the life we had planned. I want my life back. And I want you back.

December 8, To Jason:

I’d do anything to send you a good morning text, letting you know how the trip is going. Better yet, have you here next to me for this trip. Traveling has been a really hard bitter sweet thing for me. Someone asked me recently if I feel guilty for enjoying life without you. No, I don’t feel guilty. I feel sad. I’m not really enjoying. I don’t enjoy anything without you, not like I used to. There are moments of hope and enjoyment, sure. But not in the way life was with you by my side. I miss you constantly and you’re in the back of my mind for everything and anything. I’m always thinking about how sad I am that you’re not here. Sad for myself and sad for you. Thinking about how you deserved a longer life, and the joys (and even pains) that come with living. So no I’m never guilty. Only sad. Thinking about the life you should’ve had, and then the life we should’ve had, together.

December 9:

I wake up in Hawaii. I wish Jason was here. It’s so hard to be somewhere new without him. Especially when I planned on doing my entire life with him, he was supposed to be my forever travel partner. I don’t think people see the weight of what that feels like. At the very least, doing something new and not being able to share it with him. I ache to see his name pop up on my phone, checking in to say I love you. Last time we were at the beach was Bali. The memories are flooding back and I think I just miss him more. I love Megan, but damn, I really long for Jason. I miss my husband. I don’t know how else to explain it. I miss my best friend. The life we had and should be living. I miss him in every single moment that I experience. I want to talk to him. Be with him. Share this life with him. I miss planning the day of a vacation with him. Deciding what we should go visit and see. Talking to him about everything and anything. It’s really so damn hard without him. I hate it, so much. Jason should be here. I really hate accepting this reality. I don’t want this reality. I want him.

I was recently asked by somebody if I felt guilty about living life and when I feel happy without Jason here. The question caught me off guard. I’m really not happy. I’ve lost my other half, my future and my dreams. My best friend and husband is dead. I’m pretty far from happy. I’m going through the motions of life, surviving, travel is a means of escape, but the truth is, there really isn’t any escaping this. If I seem happy on the surface, it’s taking every ounce of me to show up that way. Guilt is not an emotion that I feel. If anything, I experience anger and sadness living without Jason. I am often angry he isn’t here to experience this life with me. I am angry for him, and for myself. On all that he is missing. Over and over I find myself saying, I wish Jason was here, I miss him so much. I am angry for all the life I am forced to live, now, without him. I am angry for new places and things I will see and do that he is not by my side for. I am sad for all the dreams and plans we had, that will not include him. It is lonely and devastating to experience a new place, new moments in time, without the person you love most in the world by your side.

I take a walk down the beach. The noise around is full of people laughing, making happy memories, families smiling for photos. Me I’m not happy. I’m empty. My other half is missing and my heart is shattered. I go through the motions of it all, but inside I feel so numb. My mind is always thinking about Jason and how he should be here. My mind and heart miss him dearly. I hate that he’s not here. I am so angry that he’s not here. Angry for all the moments and future that he and I were robbed of. It makes absolutely no sense. I don’t think if it made sense it would make it any better. But why did God do this? Why kill Jason. Why. No one is deserving of this but why the healthy, young, kind, and loving person.  He was a gentle soul, just wanting to be loved. Excited about the life he thought he’d build when we met and fell in love. Someone who just wanted to be a dad, so badly, a good husband. I’m so fucking angry. Why Jason. And why me. The tears hold back, but I feel this tightness in my chest, for what I’m missing. It’s my world, my other half. The person who I adored who is not here. Who I haven’t heard say my name, or held the hand of, felt the touch of, kissed in almost 115 days. It’s cruel. It’s tragic. I just want him back. I’d give anything. I’m in a magical beautiful place and all I can think is how much I’d trade all of this to go back to a year ago, hospital visits, blood work, doctors appointments, all of that (though I wasn’t the one in pain or being poked) to have Jason here. I’d rather be living that version of my life 100x over than this one, without him. I will never understand why God didn’t answer either of our prayers. The prayers of so many people. To be honest, I am mad at God. It’s pretty cruel what He’s done to me and to Jason. I’m not sure I believe he’s real. How could he be? The only thing that keeps me hoping he’s real, is that there is a heaven and Jason’s there. He’s there, with Mitch. Back with his best friend and brother. Chasing powder. That’s the only thing that keeps me believing in heaven. Otherwise, I’m its hard to feel convinced God is merciful, or good. God hasn’t provided, instead he stole my world.