Letters to Jason: Saturday Morning
Oh what I would give to have a Saturday morning with you. Calm. Simple. Literally nothing special, other than the simple joy of waking up next to you. It’s cold this morning, 20 degrees. Colder than it has been most of the winter thus far. You’d be slipping into your orange Helly Hansen ski coat to get Nora outside. After you took her out, you’d go and get us Starbucks. A white peppermint mocha for yourself, a regular latte for me. The TV would be on, probably watching ESPN recap yesterday’s College Football Playoff game between Miami and Indiana. You would be stoked, because Indiana won. You liked quiet mornings. I remember when we first met, I talked a lot first thing in the morning and you were like woah girl. I chuckle thinking about that. Eventually we got used to each other’s habits. I learned that you needed some coffee first before you were ready for the day. You also learned to give a little on that front too, knowing that my desire to chat it up with you came from a deep place of love for you.
We would eventually find that happy medium. Only for cancer to come and change everything.
My mind longs to go back to a place when life was normal. Often, that feels so distant. Which makes me sad. I get upset, racking my brain to find a hint of normality. Everything, all the pain, is so fresh. My hope is one day more of the good all comes back to me. That is why I write to you and about you. Even if I can’t find those times yet, even the not normal days with you, were better than any single day of waking up without you here. It is the mundane, everyday moments that I deeply ache for your presence. It is quiet, it is lonely. But even if I was surrounded by people, no one fills the void that you’ve left.
One of my favorite things about you and our simple days is that you’d go out to run some errands or to the gym, we’d be having an easy, weekend day. You’d text me and you’d tell me how much you love this life with me. You’d say, “even the simplest days of doing nothing with you are amazing. I love this life with you.”
