One Year.

August 17, 2026.

365 days. One entire year.

I know there is one constant in this life, time passes the same for everyone.

It is so hard to believe I have been living an entire year without Jason. At the same time it also feels so far away from the last time I held him, had him here with me.

Life this time last year was so radically different that it is often hard to comprehend how much has changed. This time last year, in the short months leading up to Jason’s death, were filled with immense trauma, pain, suffering, fear. Emotions, feelings I have worked so hard in this last year to move through, to release the hold they have on me to allow our love to anchor me.

Cancer is no longer controlling my life. There is relief in that. But utter pain, devastation, and confusion that its control was released at the cost of losing Jason.

That in itself is one of the cruelest feelings of life moving forward.

There is so much of this day last year that I wish to forget.

But there will be one thing I never let go, and that is Jason’s final act of earthly love.

“I need Lauren.”

The last coherent words he ever spoke. Reaching to ensure I was next to him as he left this life. I play the end over and over in my head and today I cling to immense gratitude to have been so utterly loved by Jason that what he needed in his final moments of this life were me by his side. To have a last chance to say I love you.

Jason, you were my person in every sense of the word. I truly believe we were perfect for each other and not everyone gets to experience that type of love.

I will never stop asking why this happened. Why you and why me, why us.

But to be needed by you in your last breaths, I will cherish that forever. The blessing to be by your side, holding your hand.

To be asked for.

To be the thing you needed as your life came to an end.

That is once in a lifetime kind of love.

Thank you for needing me, asking for me.

Walking you to the end of your life has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Living without you, is the hardest.

If only our love could’ve saved you.

I miss you with all my heart.

I love you.