Our Second Wedding Anniversary.
September 7. This day sneaks up on me, just like it did last year. Our wedding anniversary. It falls only three short weeks after Jason’s death. Just like it did last year, and like it will every year to come.
Today should be our 2nd anniversary.
I don’t really know how to celebrate this day. I don’t remember knowing how to last year either. Though I don’t remember much from last year. Most of that time is a blur of shock.
I don’t know how to celebrate this day, because we never got to celebrate this day as an anniversary.
11 months and 1 week I was Jason’s wife.
It wasn’t enough time.
For me. September 7th, 2024, was a light amongst many dark days in a season of life that was supposed to be joyous. A season that many truly don’t understand how much we were robbed of.
Our marriage, our love, that day, It was beauty, it was light.
It was relentless love.
Unwavering commitment of two people who had just walked through a season of hell to make it to that day.
It was, the light and celebration at the end of the tunnel of what we thought was the end of Jason’s cancer journey.
Celebrating the future we were building on what had been a plot twist to our engagement season.
Two people who thought they were on the other side of the cancer journey.
Who believed their test of strength and love was going to be kinder and more gentle from here on out.
Little did they know what was to come.
Long before our actual wedding day I felt married to Jason. He would call me his wife from the day we got engaged. Which always made me smile.
I stood by Jason’s side through hell, long before we were officially husband and wife. We were tested deeply before we said any vows, or vowed to commit to one another through it all. Our love grew deeper than ever in our season of engagement as we held to the thing that was carrying us through, which was our love for each other.
Our love made us strong.
People would say “she’s still going to marry him?” As if I was crazy. They’d also say to me, later on, how “good I was for marrying someone so sick.” I hate these comments. They still make me physically sick. I never imagined this would be our story. In this season, this was not the story or outcome Jason was given. Jason was supposed to live. It never once crossed my mind that he wouldn’t be here. It also never once crossed my mind to walk away from the person I love, because he was diagnosed with cancer. Instead, I leaned in harder to love and fought like hell and watched the man I adored become stronger and kinder than ever. I watched him fight demons no one truly ever could understand or witness, except me, I sat sideline to it all. I watched it break him behind closed doors when everyone else saw a “healthy” cancer patient.
I witnessed love carry us through. I witnessed selfless love hold both of us up on days that we otherwise felt like breaking.
At our wedding, I stood up and shared this to him and our guests:
Jason, What a journey for us to get to this day. Seven months ago, a dear friend of ours wrote me a letter. She writes “You’re on a roller coaster of a journey - not the one you envisioned for planning your wedding! Most people don’t get to know so much about how their future spouse handles a crisis, even before they’re married. When people felt sorry for me for marrying a blind man, I felt instead that I had a pre-tested one who emerged as himself. That confidence is what I wish for you.” I stand here today with that confidence. Confidence in this love, this marriage, this life we will build together. It has been a blessing to see you, to know you, every single day of this road, good and bad. What an honor to watch you become the best version of yourself, despite life kicking you in the butt. It is a joy and honor to stand up here tonight as your wife. Inspired by the fact that no matter what, we have come out ahead. To know that you have my back no matter what and you will show up every day for us in our future. I love you Jason!
I was counting on time. So much more time. I never could’ve imagined this was our story would go.
I only can hope Jason was able to see himself through my eyes. Because God, did he shine like hell.
Jason made me happy in a way I never thought possible. We were supposed do life in so many ways that we missed out on.
We were supposed to grow old together.
We were supposed to have a family and watch each other become parents.
I dreamed of our babies with his eyes and his gentle heart.
I wanted so much more than this. He wanted so much more. And it isn’t fair.
11 months and 1 week was not nearly enough time to be Jason’s wife and I will forever wonder what life with him here would’ve looked like. I will forever ache for the plans we made and the future we didn’t get. I deeply grieve the moments we never knew just as much as I grieve the incredible man I did know and the short time that we had.
I will be forever broken without him here.
A part of me left with him.
Loving him was the best thing in my life.
Being loved by him surpassed my wildest dreams.
Marrying him felt out of this world.
Being seen, cherished, and loved by him showed me a version of myself that I didn't even know it was possible.
I was a person I didn’t even know I could be until I was with him. Just like he was that person with me.
True love changes you. It is incredible what being loved deeply by someone can bring out in you. Maybe those parts and pieces of us were always there, but we needed each other to find them. To find our best selves.
We were indeed our best selves together. We were perfect. Not perfect in the way that we never did anything wrong, or perfect people or had the perfect relationship.
We were perfect for each other and everything else followed.
He was my other half and far beyond what I could’ve ever imagined finding in a person, let alone in a husband.
He changed my life.
He changed me.
I want him here. Today, and every day.
After many attempts to find the right first dance song. Jason found this rendition of To Love Somebody and it was the perfect choice. It is still perfect. There was so many times we’d say to each other, I couldn’t do this life without you, I don’t want to do this life without you. He always say I’m not interested in this life without you, Lauren. Me either, Jason. Not at all.
Just like the lyrics in this song, “oh but what does it mean, if I ain’t got you”.
Life without him is impossible, despite continuing to do it anyways. Confusing. Hard. Nothing I want or have ever wanted. The pain the emptiness, is not something I’d wish on anyone. I wake up each and every day and wonder still how this can be real.
I would’ve given anything to have one anniversary with Jason. But the truth is, one wouldn’t have been enough. Neither would’ve two. 50 wouldn’t have been enough. Because it was supposed to me and you, Jason, for forever.
There’s a light
A certain kind of light
Never shone on me
I want my life to be
Lived with you, lived with you
And there’s a way, everybody say
Do each and every little thing
Oh, but what does it mean
If I ain’t got you, if I ain’t got you?
You don’t know what it’s like
No baby, you don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody, to love somebody
The way I love you
In my brain
I see your face again
And I know my frame of mind
Oh, you ain’t got to be so blind
Woman I’m blind, very, very blind
And I’m a man
Can’t you see what I am?
I’d move heaven and earth for you
Oh, but what good will it do
If I ain’t got you, if I ain’t got you?
Cause, you don’t know what it’s like
No, baby, you don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody, to love somebody
The way I love you, I love you
I love you!
I love you!
You don’t know what it’s like
You never, you never, you never know what it’s like
To love somebody, ooh, to love somebody
The way I love you
