The Noise is too Loud
Originally written early September 2025.
I remember what it felt like when Jason’s cousin arrived at our house the evening before Jason passed. It was so loud, everyone was eating dinner, chit chatting about meaningless stuff, like we were all there to celebrate something. People were acting like it was all happy, laughing, and joking. Loud and oblivious to the reality at hand. But instead the love of my life lay in the chair, what would be his last evening here on earth and amongst all the noise I could feel and hear the world around me crashing and burning. I wanted to scream, get out!!!!!! NOW. What is wrong with you. This is supposed to be somber and sad, intimate. But they all acted like the world was fine. Not my world. My world, Jason’s world. It was coming to an end. Only me, I’m still here, but my world is no way the same.
It was the same thing the evening after he died. Thankfully everyone left after the funeral home removed his body. So I could sit in quiet. But people came back, and it got loud again. I sat there on the couch, watching it all, numb. Hearing all the noise. Tears forming in my eyes. Why is everyone acting normal??? My husband, your son, brother, best friend JUST DIED. You were making plans to go out to dinner. OUT TO DINNER. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I didn’t want them here. That’s for sure. But out to dinner…how could anyone possibly eat right now? And out in public as if their son didn’t just die. What pretend world were they living in? I could barely stomach half a scoop of macaronis salad, the only source of food I had eaten all day. I just held the hand of my 37 year old husband as he took his last breaths. Sat with him while hospice did paperwork, called the coroners office. While the funeral home came and took his body. I watched the black creep into his eyes. I watched my family deeply mourn over the son in law they loved like their own. I watched Nora squirm as I picked her up to say goodbye to dad one last time, when she realized this isn’t the Jason I know. And they were going out to dinner? I can’t even comprehend it. And on the way out, Susan, she hugs me and says “Get some good sleep tonight. Try to not worry too much. He’s in a better place.”
