Live like Jason.
October 11th. Jason’s birthday. Today he would’ve been 38. Today is a day I’ve dreaded for weeks now. The words “happy birthday” feel like iron on the chalk board for me, another painful reminder he is not here, and forever 37. My heart can’t even handle knowing Jason will never be another year older. Three October 11th’s together. That is all we were given. A painfully ridiculously low number when you planned on spending the rest of your life with someone. How to spend today, Jason’s first birthday not on this earth? Nothing feels remotely adequate. I think about the person Jason was and feel the best way to honor him is to live like him, not just today but every day.
Jason moved to Colorado 12 years ago. With the desire to learn a better life (his words, not mine) and chase an innocent dream of a kid who fell in love with the mountains and skiing. Jason met adversity far before cancer. Losing his best friend and “brother” Mitch in 2016. Followed by more heartbreak in love. He’d be kicked down, but he’d get back up. When I met Jason he poured himself into loving me, like he’d never been hurt before. Together we blossomed. I know from him and others that he finally found someone who loved him for who he was. From the second I met Jason I knew he was special. Jason was an incredibly handsome man, his smile and eyes would light up any room and absolutely lit up my heart. It was easy to be quickly drawn to his stunning features, but what captured me and heightened my pursuit was Jason’s heart. He approached everything with enthusiasm and excitement, it was like watching the world through a child’s eyes. He was passionate, giddy about his hobbies. Smart, but always trying to teach himself more, whether about his craft or investing, he was deeply interested in bettering himself. He opened his heart, he loved deeply, he forgave more times than not, even when the person on the other side of his forgiveness didn’t always deserve it. He made promises and he kept them. He inquired, took deep interest in every conversation and individual that came his way. He was honest, patient, gentle, kind. He faced adversity head on, always. He found something worth fighting for and never backed down, but deep down was always just a gentle and goofy soul of someone who was waiting to be loved for his real self. Oh, and when he was loved, seen, valued, oh my did that man shine and bring joy to everyone to ever know him. He was always so loyal, to me, to his friends, and to his family. He chose to see the best in people (many who didn’t always deserve it) and in most every situation. In his fight against cancer he crossed paths with so many people, those who were always so amazed by his positivity, energy, and desire to fight. He inspired people, including myself, every single day. He was and is my hero. Far before his cancer diagnosis he would say “I promise to never stop fighting for this”. That phrase became the staple of our relationship, that no matter what we never gave up on each other or this love. Through everything he walked he chose to let go of the anger, something I can’t say that I’ve been able to do, and I admire the hell out of him for that. He faced the fear of it all head on, using the fact that he found me, my family, as his driver and inspiration. He would say he was lucky, lucky to have found me, that alone made him happier than anything that could ever make him angry. He was better person than I was, because finding luck in the cards he was dealt felt (and feels) near impossible. He found small wins in his journey, a day that would knock most of us down was a day he was out in the garage to enjoy his workshop. He was the Chip to my Joanna. He maximized any good energy that came his way. He fought like hell, and loved me for his forever, just like he promised. On the morning of August 17th, Jason’s two best friends, my sister, and I sat with Jason. We laughed. We cried. He said “I lived a good life. I was just dealt a bad hand.” And that, that is the epitome of courage. That is Jason.
This video is just a glimpse into what it felt like to love and be loved by Jason. I know Jason’s life held many more memories before my time with him and so many other moments of a beautiful life lived that can’t all be captured in short 3 minutes. From what he told me, I believe our time together held some of his greatest memories and moments. Not necessarily because I’m special, but because I believe he finally found who he was supposed to be. All any of us ever need is to be loved for who we are, and we find our best self. Jason will forever deserve more time, as do all those who leave this world far too young. I will always feel so starved for more time with Jason, the future we dreamed of building. I ache for those moments, more birthdays, more memories. These clips, the voicemails, the letters, have become all that is left of a love that was so full and should’ve had a lifetime to grow. I believe our love embodied strength and growth that some loves don’t find in a lifetime. The path we walked together was and will always be a true testament to our partnership and love. Though the pain is great and stings so deeply every day, I remain honored Jason chose me to spend the rest of his life with, I never imagined it would be cut so short.
I hope to live and love like Jason, today and everyday. I promise. Happy birthday, my angel. 🤍 Please hold me tight always, but today especially. I love you, you were my entire world.
