Letters to Jason: Nothing is the Same

October 26, 2025.

10 entire weeks without you. 70 days.

I don’t know how 70 entire days have gone.

The worst part about it? It only gets longer from here.

All the lasts with you are only creeping further and further away.

I find myself looking at my phone a lot. Looking through photos. Seeing what “on this day” my phone can come up with. What were we doing? I look at the featured photos every day and am always happy when a new one I haven’t seen in a while appears. Photos just made me a video of you from 2023. I like it. Saved. I miss you Jason. So much. I really hate a world where you are not here. Some days it doesn’t feel real. Other days I just feel the void so so hard and it just hurts. I ache in my chest when the tears fall from my eyes.

In church today my mind wanders. I close my eyes to pray. But nothing comes. I don’t know what to pray for ? You’re gone..there’s not much else to ask God for other than why. But even then, “why” doesn’t change that you’re gone and never will fix it.

I light a candle for you.

I hope heaven is real. It is the only hope I have in any of this.

A lady comes in next to me and says “are you doing ok”.

No of course not.. I said “no not really.”

She corrects herself and says “as good as you can be.”

“I guess so...”

“Your world will never be the same” she says.

She’s damn right, it sure won’t. Empty. You’re gone. I need you. My eyes fill with tears.

I hate those questions. “How are you” pretty fucking bad, the love of my life is dead. But instead “ok I guess”. Someone else asks too, I’m sure she means well. But my “ok” is met with awkwardness. Doesn’t know what to say. I hate it. I hate the small talk.

I miss you.

Another football Sunday, I can’t believe I’m still in first place in picks. You’d be excited for me.

I wish so badly you were here.

I love being with my parents so that the weekends are less lonely but I miss our life.

I long for our life.

It’s all gone. Nothing is the same.

It’s either I chose to come here or stay there, alone and sad.

I desperately long for the days with you. The mundane, simple days. Just to be with you. In our life and our routine. Gone. All of it.

I’ve lost what feels like everything. I simply don’t think anyone understands how much I’ve truly lost.

Most of all I lost you. I’d given anything for you to be here.