Letters To Jason: It Should Be You.

November 3, 2025.

Well Nora broke her dew claw this morning playing with Charlie. She seems ok but I am taking her to the vet this morning. My mind flashes back to the first time this happened. It was 2022. We were playing with her in the field with her frisbee at lunch time. You were home from work for a quick break. We were both really worried. I’m glad we were both there, I remember how worried you were for her.

I cried a little, reflecting back on that day. A simple day, nothing good really, but it was me and you.

Me and you and Nora. Our little family and we navigated it together.

Now you’re not here to navigate it with me.

Just like my dad taking me to the eye doctor today. It should be you. It would be you.

Just like when I had my follow up and you told me I needed a driver. I didn’t think I would, but ended up needing one and was stuck there with dilated eyes. You came and picked me up, we chuckled and you told me so.

Ugh..Jason I miss you!! Life is so weird without you. I find you and reasons to miss you in everything that comes my way these days. Because you were my world. My partner and soul mate. We did it all together. So of course I find you in everything.

I missed you shopping yesterday. In Sierra Trading Post. It was so weird to be there without you.

The last time we were there together was for Christmas. Doing Christmas shopping. You were giddy about it all. I went later by myself to pick out all your stocking stuffers.

My heart sank today as I walked past the men’s department and all the things I would be getting to stuff in your stocking this year. The sadness crept in.

No more presents for you.

No more thinking of you in a store and buying a soft shirt you’d love.

No more having a husband to buy a random gift for just simply because you were on my mind in the store. When you were here it all made me think of you!

We would often randomly buy each other things that made us think about one another. Small gifts, pick me ups to say I love you and you’re always on my mind.

I smile thinking about that time you went to Sierra with your dad when he was in town in March, he wanted to take you, but he didn’t buy you anything. You bought yourself that orange rain jacket that you loved this spring. And you bought me a package of socks. The pink ones I wear all the time. You came back and you said “my dad got you these” and I said oh wow really that was nice. A couple weeks later I mentioned to you how much I love the socks and was still surprised your dad bought them for me. You then told me he didn’t. That you said he did because you wanted him to look good. That you bought them and picked them out.

That was who you were Jason. Trying to make your dad look good always, even when he really didn’t deserve it. To be honest I’m glad the socks were from you! It means more to me anyways.

I missed you so much today. Nothing special happened. But a lot happened.

Nora’s nail, don’t worry everything is ok. She did great. She doesn’t like the band aid they put on her foot though.

Then the eye doctor.

Again nothing, but just reminders that you should be there! It should be you.

I love my dad, but it should be you driving me to and from with my dilated eyes. There’s something about going to the eye doctor, that feels like this whole eye thing was the start of us. You took care of me when my eye freaked out that one day. It was amazing. You got me in to see the doctor same day and did all the right things.

Throughout this journey, you were always saying you wanted to repay me to take care of me, but my love, you did. You took care of me. Always. I just fucking miss you! And you taking care of me. And this life with you by my side.

It’s not the same without you here and I don’t think it will ever be the same.

I miss you in all moments, small and big, but especially small.

It’s the little everyday things, the things that we did every single day together. With no one else watching, just us doing, not taking photos of.

The things that made up living life with you by my side, I miss you the most.

The way we’d cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen.

The way we’d coordinate who was feeding and taking Nora out that night.

The way you’d always do the dishes. That was your thing.

The evening conversations about our days, or anything really. We talked about everything, anything, nothing, all the same.

The nighttime routine of getting ourselves into bed. Where I’d probably be in my pjs and you’d come in do your routine and find a shirt in the closet to wear for the night. You’d kiss me goodnight standing on my side of the bed, then come around to your side and slide on in next to me.

Those evenings where it was just us in bed, phones down and tv off. And we’d just talk. And we’d saying we really should do this all the time because it’s so damn nice to end the day this way.

Oh Jason. I fucking miss you. It hurts. It hurts.

I love you. You are my soul mate. Wait for me in heaven.